"No, though it can be true. There men who only care about things that call to their feelings. They led a life where all that is real are the things they care about, as long as they receive appropriate attention in return. All becomes part of themself, and so is granted worth through that."
"Yeah, well. Men doin' all a' that without givin' a shit about all the people they're hurtin' that way're called narcissists," he comments dryly. "And all it means is they're tryin' t'fill all the hollow parts a' themselves with extrinsic praise an' doodahs instead of workin' on themselves."
"Yes, I know the word. I spent a portion of my life with actors." So he can say that he doesn't find all narcissists attractive, just the ones that can carry it off.
He gives a light snort before he can help himself.
"Right, but you also spent a lot a' time with narcissists," he points out. "It's one a' them Venn diagrams. An' I can see how bein' around them all the time had a real dire affect on you, Armand. You spendin' all that time an' effort tryin' to please someone that wasn't capable of lovin' you back properly. You were just another shiny toy in his collection, so long as you played the role he forced on you."
He raises his eyes to look more directly at Sam again.
"What does it mean to love someone properly. I don't have the fortune of having felt love for many people or things. In five hundred and fourteen years, there have been less of a handful." He suspects it's a coldness in him. He doesn't burn as the ones he loves have done. "I did not learn to love the world, even before. Not as my master tried to teach me."
His expression falls a little, sympathetic with Armand's latest revealed plight.
"It means treatin' someone like a person, Armand," he says gently. "An independent bein' with their own wants an' ideas, who doesn't do anythin' 'cept what they want to. And if they care about you, what they'll wanna do is be with you. You can't go forcin' them to be anythin' else."
"My master wanted to be with me." It's not a claim he can make about his other relationships, not when they had ended with abandonment. And he hadn't forced them to stay, when they decided to walk away. Only one person hadn't chosen to leave, but had been taken by outside forces.
"Yer master wanted you t'be with him," he corrects gently. "That ain't the same thing. That's just tellin' yerself somethin' that makes it hurt less that he didn't care what you thought."
He was still wanted, which is the important part when he's feeling rejected by the world. "He did care what I thought." And before there can be any unreasonable questions about how he might 'know': "He could look into my mind. He knew I was not like the others, who left."
He looks down at his hands for a moment.
"When you have such a gift... He wanted to be wanted." He had always understood that, even before he was granted the same gifts. Yes, perhaps there were reasons that Amadeo had clung to him (as Armand would cling to other rituals) in ways that others had not, but why does that make it any less true? You can take advantage of circumstances without it affecting your feelings.
"If find it unlikely it was all the time." Both as a matter of practicality and because of what Armand knows about reading minds.
"It's not a straightforward gift. There are many who shun it, especially when it comes to mortals rather than as communicating with a fellow vampire. Surface thoughts are one thing, but to go deep into someone's mind..." There are those who find it disturbing to let so much in and that limits the gift. ...Armand's unusually talented.
He sighs, with a faint air of nostalgia. "But, yes, he spent time reading my thoughts. It could make things simpler." And made Armand very good at controlling what he thinks, which is a useful gift!
"You think there's anything we can do t'help make you feel less like anyone's gonna be stickin' their fingers back in yer brain?" He tilts his head a little. "We could sure ask the Admiral to give you somethin' t'keep other folks out of yer mind."
Armand tilts his head. Sam can respond so strangely to things. "I don't believe anyone could do that." He spent enough of his existence under those conditions and learned how to defend his mind. He's aware that that doesn't mean anything here, but he doesn't want to go back to thinking it could.
"Apparently the Admiral can," he replies easily. "An' it's worth givin' it a shot, right? Even if it only works while we're on the Barge right now, somethin's better than nothing."
"Yes, the Admiral can." If Sam can't see that's the inherent problem in asking for any 'protection'... he clearly doesn't understand the underlying hierarchy on the Barge.
"The Admiral could give me something to 'protect' my mind," again, unnecessary, "But it would be his gift. His power. What proof could there be that it would truly work?" It could never be anything but trust that could be violated, and, as he can be completely honest on this matter, he doesn't have that trust to offer.
"I suppose we could ask a couple folks if they'd be willing to take a moment to try it out, with yer permission," he muses. "But I can't blame y'all fer not bein' fond a' the whole concept."
"Yes, and it could 'work' in that moment, and not in another." Or they could say that it worked. He supposes it could get him a list of people who can read minds, but he can find that out in other ways. He considers it fundamentally useless, and therefore doesn't have to have any personal opinions on it.
"Alright, let's come back t'that one later, then," he says readily, happy to admit to himself that he can't think of something better at the moment. "I just worry about folks gettin' into yer head, it ain't pleasant t'have to worry about that when y'don't have to."
Armand is aware that there are people that feel that way, so he doesn't argue with Sam's description. "It can be useful to reach out to make a call," he says, as that's not the same as mind reading.
"Wait, why go fer psychic powers first rather than just talk to you?" He knows the obvious answer is 'distance', but he has an answer for that too. He just wants to hear Armand's perspective.
"All the world ain't actually a stage," he says, letting his confusion openly seep through. "So what that sounds like is yer sayin' he's usin' that to maintain appearances."
He frowns slightly, before picking up on the split. "Oh, no, my master rarely spoke within my mind when I was mortal. I meant that being able to speak so with other vampires can save a lot of trouble." And he had been most surrounded by other vampires at times that involved performance.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
momijizukamori
Re: After Vash leaves
Date: 2025-06-26 04:11 am (UTC)Re: After Vash leaves
Date: 2025-06-26 04:30 am (UTC)Re: After Vash leaves
Date: 2025-06-26 04:34 am (UTC)Re: After Vash leaves
Date: 2025-06-26 04:37 am (UTC)"Right, but you also spent a lot a' time with narcissists," he points out. "It's one a' them Venn diagrams. An' I can see how bein' around them all the time had a real dire affect on you, Armand. You spendin' all that time an' effort tryin' to please someone that wasn't capable of lovin' you back properly. You were just another shiny toy in his collection, so long as you played the role he forced on you."
Re: After Vash leaves
Date: 2025-06-26 04:53 am (UTC)"What does it mean to love someone properly. I don't have the fortune of having felt love for many people or things. In five hundred and fourteen years, there have been less of a handful." He suspects it's a coldness in him. He doesn't burn as the ones he loves have done. "I did not learn to love the world, even before. Not as my master tried to teach me."
Re: After Vash leaves
Date: 2025-06-26 05:00 am (UTC)"It means treatin' someone like a person, Armand," he says gently. "An independent bein' with their own wants an' ideas, who doesn't do anythin' 'cept what they want to. And if they care about you, what they'll wanna do is be with you. You can't go forcin' them to be anythin' else."
Re: After Vash leaves
Date: 2025-06-26 05:04 am (UTC)Re: After Vash leaves
Date: 2025-06-26 05:06 am (UTC)Re: After Vash leaves
Date: 2025-06-26 05:37 am (UTC)He looks down at his hands for a moment.
"When you have such a gift... He wanted to be wanted." He had always understood that, even before he was granted the same gifts. Yes, perhaps there were reasons that Amadeo had clung to him (as Armand would cling to other rituals) in ways that others had not, but why does that make it any less true? You can take advantage of circumstances without it affecting your feelings.
Re: After Vash leaves
Date: 2025-06-26 06:15 am (UTC)"Pardner, if he was in your head readin' yer thoughts all the time, no wonder you can't think anythin' out loud anymore."
Re: After Vash leaves
Date: 2025-06-26 06:29 am (UTC)"It's not a straightforward gift. There are many who shun it, especially when it comes to mortals rather than as communicating with a fellow vampire. Surface thoughts are one thing, but to go deep into someone's mind..." There are those who find it disturbing to let so much in and that limits the gift. ...Armand's unusually talented.
He sighs, with a faint air of nostalgia. "But, yes, he spent time reading my thoughts. It could make things simpler." And made Armand very good at controlling what he thinks, which is a useful gift!
Re: After Vash leaves
Date: 2025-06-26 07:28 am (UTC)Re: After Vash leaves
Date: 2025-06-26 07:33 am (UTC)After all, what does it matter?
Re: After Vash leaves
Date: 2025-06-26 07:36 am (UTC)Re: After Vash leaves
Date: 2025-06-26 07:37 am (UTC)Re: After Vash leaves
Date: 2025-06-26 07:39 am (UTC)"Can I ask what you ain't a fan of fer that?"
Re: After Vash leaves
Date: 2025-06-26 07:44 am (UTC)Re: After Vash leaves
Date: 2025-06-26 07:50 am (UTC)Re: After Vash leaves
Date: 2025-06-26 07:53 am (UTC)Re: After Vash leaves
Date: 2025-06-30 10:42 pm (UTC)Re: After Vash leaves
Date: 2025-06-30 10:55 pm (UTC)Re: After Vash leaves
Date: 2025-06-30 10:56 pm (UTC)Re: After Vash leaves
Date: 2025-06-30 10:58 pm (UTC)Re: After Vash leaves
Date: 2025-06-30 10:59 pm (UTC)Re: After Vash leaves
Date: 2025-06-30 11:03 pm (UTC)Re: After Vash leaves
From:Re: After Vash leaves
From:Re: After Vash leaves
From:Re: After Vash leaves
From: