"Mm." They heard him, understood him, and are responding in acknowledgment, and that's just about the extent of the answer they want to give. "Not really. Could be better." Ashton meanders over to the nearest chair and sits down; she's too-aware of her own body, too controlled for what should be automatic, unconscious movement.
What are they supposed to say? There's no good answer, is there? Every option's a bad one. They can't game this; they especially can't game this when everything feels so distant. What they wanted to do isn't any good. What they'd do if they weren't shackled, John wouldn't like, even if it'd be for Aerith's own good and it'd work. How they went in with half a plan and their fucking blinders on, so convinced it would work because it had to, and if they'd thought for one fucking second about everything they know about Armand how could they have ever come to the conclusion it'd work at all -- they just fucked it up, again, like they always do, just made it worse for everyone involved, just made it fucking worse -- and that's worse still if they're not meant for it, isn't it, because it means even then they still just --
The only thing that feels bright and clear and sharp is their awareness of that thorny tangle. What they wanted. What they meant. How in retrospect it would've never happened the way they wanted, and they're such a fucking idiot for thinking it would, for thinking it would make anything better at all.
Objectively they've been lying to John about Armand for months, and they don't feel bad about that, and the fact they don't feel bad about it just feels like more proof they're no good for anything or anyone right now.
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momijizukamori
no subject
Date: 2025-08-03 05:50 am (UTC)What are they supposed to say? There's no good answer, is there? Every option's a bad one. They can't game this; they especially can't game this when everything feels so distant. What they wanted to do isn't any good. What they'd do if they weren't shackled, John wouldn't like, even if it'd be for Aerith's own good and it'd work. How they went in with half a plan and their fucking blinders on, so convinced it would work because it had to, and if they'd thought for one fucking second about everything they know about Armand how could they have ever come to the conclusion it'd work at all -- they just fucked it up, again, like they always do, just made it worse for everyone involved, just made it fucking worse -- and that's worse still if they're not meant for it, isn't it, because it means even then they still just --
The only thing that feels bright and clear and sharp is their awareness of that thorny tangle. What they wanted. What they meant. How in retrospect it would've never happened the way they wanted, and they're such a fucking idiot for thinking it would, for thinking it would make anything better at all.
Objectively they've been lying to John about Armand for months, and they don't feel bad about that, and the fact they don't feel bad about it just feels like more proof they're no good for anything or anyone right now.
no subject
Date: 2025-08-03 05:57 am (UTC)