For all the many terrible things Ashton feels about Armand, she does at least appreciate and respect his immediate commitment to the lie when she isn't capable of it. At least someone's doing a bit of misdirection.
The decision takes her several seconds to make. What if, what if, what if — make a choice, Ash, don't just stand there — and eventually she lands on "Yours."
Ash would give a lot to have any other problem right about now! Maybe they could spontaneously combust. Unlikely, but still potentially preferable?
Not that he's really thinking about that in those terms. It's all tangled, at the moment. If it's not her cabin, she can't make it worse as easily; in John's cabin there's things she actually cares about breaking, about damaging. Distantly she wants to break something; distantly, distantly, distantly.
(Usually when she has these moments she just curls up in bed and doesn't go anywhere, doesn't do anything, doesn't talk to anyone. There hasn't been one for a while -- maybe she was due. Too long spent moderately feeling good about herself; it has to balance out, doesn't it?)
They don't say anything more. They just start walking, not a glance back; they know where they're going. Maybe they'll put their normal face back on at some point? --No. Not right now.
He'll close the door behind Ashton and walk beside them, carefully beside them and not in front or behind. He's not treating Ashton like a servant who's done poorly or like someone to pounce on in an unguarded moment. They're walking to his cabin to talk. That's it. He won't say anything until they get to his door, and then he's opening it and gesturing for Ashton to walk in. He'll wait until the door is closed behind him this time before he looks back to Ashton and finally lets the concern show.
"Mm." They heard him, understood him, and are responding in acknowledgment, and that's just about the extent of the answer they want to give. "Not really. Could be better." Ashton meanders over to the nearest chair and sits down; she's too-aware of her own body, too controlled for what should be automatic, unconscious movement.
What are they supposed to say? There's no good answer, is there? Every option's a bad one. They can't game this; they especially can't game this when everything feels so distant. What they wanted to do isn't any good. What they'd do if they weren't shackled, John wouldn't like, even if it'd be for Aerith's own good and it'd work. How they went in with half a plan and their fucking blinders on, so convinced it would work because it had to, and if they'd thought for one fucking second about everything they know about Armand how could they have ever come to the conclusion it'd work at all -- they just fucked it up, again, like they always do, just made it worse for everyone involved, just made it fucking worse -- and that's worse still if they're not meant for it, isn't it, because it means even then they still just --
The only thing that feels bright and clear and sharp is their awareness of that thorny tangle. What they wanted. What they meant. How in retrospect it would've never happened the way they wanted, and they're such a fucking idiot for thinking it would, for thinking it would make anything better at all.
Objectively they've been lying to John about Armand for months, and they don't feel bad about that, and the fact they don't feel bad about it just feels like more proof they're no good for anything or anyone right now.
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momijizukamori
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Date: 2025-08-02 07:10 pm (UTC)He manages a completely genuine, pleasant smile for Ashton because someone has to be a professional here.
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Date: 2025-08-02 08:35 pm (UTC)The decision takes her several seconds to make. What if, what if, what if — make a choice, Ash, don't just stand there — and eventually she lands on "Yours."
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Date: 2025-08-02 10:25 pm (UTC)The words are said softly, with appreciation. It feels like trust, of a kind. Even if he's well aware Ashton is feeling cornered.
He tips his head towards the hallway, the stairs; let's get going then.
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Date: 2025-08-03 05:15 am (UTC)Not that he's really thinking about that in those terms. It's all tangled, at the moment. If it's not her cabin, she can't make it worse as easily; in John's cabin there's things she actually cares about breaking, about damaging. Distantly she wants to break something; distantly, distantly, distantly.
(Usually when she has these moments she just curls up in bed and doesn't go anywhere, doesn't do anything, doesn't talk to anyone. There hasn't been one for a while -- maybe she was due. Too long spent moderately feeling good about herself; it has to balance out, doesn't it?)
They don't say anything more. They just start walking, not a glance back; they know where they're going. Maybe they'll put their normal face back on at some point? --No. Not right now.
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Date: 2025-08-03 05:18 am (UTC)"Are you okay?"
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Date: 2025-08-03 05:50 am (UTC)What are they supposed to say? There's no good answer, is there? Every option's a bad one. They can't game this; they especially can't game this when everything feels so distant. What they wanted to do isn't any good. What they'd do if they weren't shackled, John wouldn't like, even if it'd be for Aerith's own good and it'd work. How they went in with half a plan and their fucking blinders on, so convinced it would work because it had to, and if they'd thought for one fucking second about everything they know about Armand how could they have ever come to the conclusion it'd work at all -- they just fucked it up, again, like they always do, just made it worse for everyone involved, just made it fucking worse -- and that's worse still if they're not meant for it, isn't it, because it means even then they still just --
The only thing that feels bright and clear and sharp is their awareness of that thorny tangle. What they wanted. What they meant. How in retrospect it would've never happened the way they wanted, and they're such a fucking idiot for thinking it would, for thinking it would make anything better at all.
Objectively they've been lying to John about Armand for months, and they don't feel bad about that, and the fact they don't feel bad about it just feels like more proof they're no good for anything or anyone right now.
no subject
Date: 2025-08-03 05:57 am (UTC)