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howheendures

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From:

howheendures

"Yes, those who cannot get used to it die quickly. It's a reverse of the living, who can be in more danger if they do not find death upsetting." He lifts a shoulder. "Do not find the idea of their own deaths upsetting." Much like with young vampires, the ones that don't think too much about the deaths of other get far further, in his experience.

"I was not afraid of my final death, but I was already dying." He'd been close to the edge of death before. He'd had reason to be glad to be back. "There are those who fear the thought of acceptance." Does he think that Vash was seeking his own death? He couldn't read his mind but he wouldn't go that far. Is there a reason that Vash might be less certain? Well, there are a range of reasons that someone can end up dead (more metaphorically) drunk and speaking to someone who isn't there, but Armand has far more experience interacting with humans at their last moments than he has in most other areas involving interacting with humans.

From:

yosemitevamp

"I can't rightly speak fer what about it might've gotten Vash so spooked, but the fact that you killed him really fucked him up," he says plainly. "He was on a warpath, even comin' right out of tollin' t'come and ask fer ya, an' I believed he'd do somethin' that would've ended real poorly fer both a' y'all if I'd let him."

From:

howheendures

"I don't know him," he says, in response to the emphasis on 'you'. People can be rattled by death at a familiar hand. Not that they can't be unnerved by unfamiliar teeth. He considers Sam's words a moment. "I do not think it would have ended poorly for me." He can't speak for Vash.

From:

yosemitevamp

"You don't have to know him t'be the one responsible fer killin' him, Armand," he says, flatly stern. "Drainin' Vash means that you're the one who directly lead t'that outcome an' his death."

His arms tighten across his chest a little, but he just looks disappointed. "An' maybe you should think about the outcome a' that sort a' thing a little more. You can't predict what people might do when they're upset, an' tellin' someone outright that they just happened t'be the first warm body you came across to hurt when you wanted to sink yer teeth into somethin' isn't gonna be somethin' most people take well. 'specially someone who's already got reason to resent yer actions."

From:

howheendures

"Yes, of course I was." He hasn't denied that fact, though looking back he supposes there were ways he could've tried to hide it. He hadn't been thinking of that. He doesn't know what that has to do with anything.

Armand looks mildly offended. "I wouldn't have told him that." He has no reason not to say it to Sam, but that no reason to think he'd ever say it to Vash. "I have thought of potential outcomes." Post facto, but still.

From:

yosemitevamp

"So you would have lied to his damn face about it instead." He tilts his head a little. "Or more likely, you'd have gone an' told him what you think he wants to hear, an' probably made it twice as bad."

His arms loosen a little, but he still looks unhappy. "Pardon the phrase, but what in the Sam Hill did you think was gonna happen if he did confront you?"

From:

howheendures

Armand tilts his head, the 'obviously' more clear than if he spoke the word. "I expect he'd want an apology." He can give a very sincere apology if he really tries.

He lifts a shoulder. "I see it more as a matter of what he could do. Words? Violence? Some abstract spell?" None of which would bother him. "A chance to express emotions can clean a wound rather than let it fester." There's nothing here that matters to him enough that Vash could destroy it.

From:

yosemitevamp

"Armand, I'm gonna say this once, and I'd like you to take it seriously."

His arms unfold, hanging slack by his sides. "I don't want you wastin' yer time on any apologies you ain't sayin' with yer whole goddamn chest." And a light gesture. "I don't want any lip service - you're way too smart fer that. So - unless you care that you hurt someone, you understand what they want from an apology, an' you plan on makin' an effort to do better by the person you wronged, there ain't no point."

From:

howheendures

He sighs, put-upon by this latest order. "I do understand what most of them want from an apology." To make themselves feel like they have more power in the situation. He agrees that it's a waste of time, and it isn't an instruction he has any particular desire to deviate from, but he's not unaware. His lack of interest in apologizing does make it easier to offer the mild complaint.

From:

yosemitevamp

"Yeah, well. Right now I ain't so sure you're doin' anythin' with an apology besides bein' exactly what you think other people expect from you," Sam grumbles. "So we're gonna work on cuttin' out any habits that serve that purpose directly."

From:

howheendures

"It's more useful as something they don't expect. They often appreciate an apology more if they believe it comes at some cost." It's not that Armand doesn't have pride, of a sort. It can help to project that, so people can get the pleasure of thinking they've broken something.

From:

yosemitevamp

Sam can't help the surprised scowl. "Hell, Armand, that's way worse! That's just actively manipulatin' folks into forgivin' you when you've hurt 'em. They deserve better than that, an' frankly speakin', so do you!"

From:

howheendures

Armand blinks at him. What does Sam think the point of an apology is?

"If they really feel hurt, they usually don't really forgive me. It can still make them feel better in the moment."

From:

yosemitevamp

"Armand, the cost of apologisin' is the fact you already done somethin' to hurt 'em."

As the kids say, this is some wild shit.

"An' there's a difference between goin' through the motions - apologising to make sure you get in less trouble fer hurtin' 'em - and actually meaning what you say. If yer gonna weaponise yer apology to make folks pity you, instead of sayin' 'em cos you want to do better by 'em, then I still don't want you sayin' 'em."

From:

howheendures

Armand shrugs slightly.

"There are those who say a vampire should not apologize, but I do not enjoy fighting." Which is something of an alternative to fighting, back home. "Things are different here."

It's not as if he's looking for a way he can stick to Sam's words while also apologizing to someone.

From:

yosemitevamp

"Sometimes you just gotta own up t'the fact that yer actions made someone else feel like shit, Armand," he says, firm but not unkind. "An' sometimes that means gettin' into a fight an' losin' 'cos you done fucked up. Feelin' guilt ain't the end of the world."

From:

howheendures

Armand smiles slightly. His smile often isn't an indication of happiness, but then, he's rarely happy. Sam thinks he doesn't feel guilt? Armand wishes that was true. He doesn't know who he'd be, but people rarely like him as he is.

"I'm well aware of that, Mr. Walls."

From:

yosemitevamp

"Then yer probably aware that just 'cos we're feelin' things really intensely, that doesn't necessarily mean that those feelings're actually affectin' reality."

From:

howheendures

"That rather depends on who it is that is feeling so intensely. I know many who have turned those feelings into something that affect reality."

From:

yosemitevamp

"That ain't their feelings affectin' reality, that's them lettin' their feelings get the better of 'em an' usin' that as justification fer doin' those things," he corrects. "When folks can learn to identify what they're feelin' first, an' work through their emotional reasonin' without losin' themselves in it like a panic attack, then they don't necessarily go an' make decisions like that."

From:

howheendures

He waves a hand. "I do not speak here of what you name justification after the fact. I mean those who know what they feel and go forth to shape the reality around them to fit." It's a display he scorns, it's a power he respects. "They know what they want." It's not jealousy and he can't allow it to be yearning, so it's just matter-of-fact.

From:

yosemitevamp

Sam frowns, and it's a somewhat baffled look.

"Armand, are you treatin' peoples feelings an' the things they care about like they're the same thing?"

From:

howheendures

"No, though it can be true. There men who only care about things that call to their feelings. They led a life where all that is real are the things they care about, as long as they receive appropriate attention in return. All becomes part of themself, and so is granted worth through that."

From:

yosemitevamp

"Yeah, well. Men doin' all a' that without givin' a shit about all the people they're hurtin' that way're called narcissists," he comments dryly. "And all it means is they're tryin' t'fill all the hollow parts a' themselves with extrinsic praise an' doodahs instead of workin' on themselves."

From:

howheendures

"Yes, I know the word. I spent a portion of my life with actors." So he can say that he doesn't find all narcissists attractive, just the ones that can carry it off.

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It's repertory theatre, Mr. Molloy. It's how one endures.

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